Albums to watch

David Bowie: Some top tips

The week in ADM

Michael Palmer runs through the ups, downs and other lateral movements of the past seven days

Top Tips for making your own, home-made, professional-looking, Gluten-free David Bowie Album Review!

1. Begin with a nice paragraph about your perception of Bowie a few months ago. It'll trick the less-alert reader into thinking that there's no David Bowie album out after all.
2. Aha! There is an album out! But it's a secret album that was recorded in secret but now it's not a secret anymore.
3. Mention one of Bowie's old nicknames to prove you really know who he is. Remember, his previous album came out two years before YouTube was invented. This review is not for very young people.
4. The earlier you mention that he's 66, the better.
5. There's almost literally hundreds of other Bowie albums. List as many of them as you think you can get away with.
6. Mention all the changes Bowie has gone through in his career, pointing out that pretending to stop making music is maybe his most ingenious yet.
7. Look to the future. There were no more Bowie albums coming out, then he did one. Maybe he'll do another one? Maybe even THE SAME THING AGAIN?

Once that's done, sprinkle on a little magic-Bowie-pixie-dust, pop the juicy cherry of a rating on top (8 is the popular choice, though feel free to add something different if your tastes are a little spicy) and serve to as many as possible.

Also this week: Suede are back! They waited even longer than Bowie did to make their comeback, and it was long enough to earn them a 7.1 average.

Our sources have been having a crockery-throwing argument about whether Devendra Banhart's new album is any good or not. Six 8/10s say it is; everyone else reckons it's pretty underwhelming.

According to The Line Of Best Fit, Hurts took so long to release their new album because both members were "too happy to write". Awww. Poor Hurts. Boo-hoo. The critics reacted with an average of 5.9. That should sort out the happiness problem. Expect a new album within six months.

Loud and Quiet, No Ripcord, FACT, Digital Fix, Art Rocker, NME, Q, Clash, The Observer, Pop Matters AND Fake DIY all dished out some harsh ratings in the past few days. Three 3/10s and eight 4/10s between them. And that's not even including the Bon Jovi reviews.

Elsewhere: Marnie Stern came up with the second greatest album title of ADM's short but industrious life. Anyone who correctly guesses in the comments below the No.1 greatest album title will win a prize. (Not really.)

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